my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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