I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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