he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
