wanna go halves on a baby?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
