fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so let's talk penis.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
