We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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