I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
