Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
