I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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