i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
