I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
