I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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