I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
