You're completely useless in the revolution.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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