I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
