i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I checked into jail on foursquare
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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