He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just had sex on a roof
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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