my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
