ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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