I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
