I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
