I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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