so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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