I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize