Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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