mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
