Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
