I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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