It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This toilet bowl is my home.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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