Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
