i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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