hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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