I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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