soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
