Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize