guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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