The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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