I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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