I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
