i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
