No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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