Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
