I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
