The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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