my phone needs a breathalizer
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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