Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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