Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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