You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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