Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
