I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize