ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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