Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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