AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
