If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
