i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
