I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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