We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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