I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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