Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I AM VODKA MAN
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
