I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
