I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
